Living Hurricane

            Today I have come to a conclusion, though I suppose for you to see the viability of this conclusion, you must first know a few things.  Number one, a hurricane just recently swept through Florida, as well as some other places.  Two, that hurricane’s name was Fay. Three, that is my name.  The conclusion is this: that hurricane and I have more in common than just our names.  Like that hurricane, I am an untamable force that sweeps through its surroundings, harming those around it.  No, I am not currently aware of just how much damage that hurricane has done, but what matters here is all that I have done.  A common factor in my life is that the fate of those around me seems almost directly tied to my emotions—I’ve seen proof of it time and time again.  When I am angry enough, those I hate come to harm: an old teacher, someone who’d punched me, someone who stole from me.  This is fine with me, honestly, for the most part.  However, the opposite also works.  It seems that, when I am happy—truly, truly happy (which is rare for me)—those I love come to harm.  Happiness and even good moods are rare for me.  So it’s absolutely wonderful to have these moments brought down every single time.  I’m in a good mood, most everyone I’m close to is miserable.  I feel fantastic, my loved ones are sick.  Hell, for all I know, being so happy with my last boyfriend made something happen to him, causing him to break up with me and turn into a total ass—but that can only be speculated on.

            This time, it was my beloved dog…who I’ve raised from a pup…she’s like a daughter to me.  I finally get out and on my own, finally come out of my shell, I meet my roommate and find out she’s awesome, and I finally start thinking that college is just going to be great.  But now I don’t want it to be.  Because, once again, being happy has severely hurt someone I dearly love.  She has heart worms…something it’s quite easy to die from…and the treatment would be ongoing and take years…and there’s no guarantee it will work.  If college is great, who knows what will happen.  Maybe that will just be another blow and she’ll die.  Maybe something else will happen, or both.  And what if I DO finish the last six chapters of my book and publish it?  What will happen then?  What will happen to my closest friends and family, the ones who have been there for me forever?  Will they die?  Become deathly ill?  Lose someone dear to them?  Who knows.  But I am so bloody close at the moment to just ending it.  Obviously, I just can’t be happy…I would love to be, but not at the cost of those I love.  The choice seems pretty clear right now.  Maybe I should just give up on love, on happiness, mark it as something that cannot be without great cost.  Or maybe I should just end it right here and move on.  Though a lot of good that would do…obviously I’ve done something ridiculously awful in a past life to be marked like this.  I just…don’t see the point anymore.  What’s the point of living if you don’t get to love and be happy?  And what’s the point of dying if you just keep coming back and paying for some damn mistake that you don’t even remember?

 

Hurricanes have no lovers, no friends, they just sweep through, destroy everything in their path, and then move on, shedding tears as they pass.  But where do they go?  And will they ever have a purpose other than destruction?

~ by Liri on August 24, 2008.